A given life made under the oppressed. Onto existence I shall bring pain.

Untitled X

2011-04-14T21:15:00.002+08:00

I lived in my own eternal darkness, wondering through life with beliefs I thought was just. As time passed by, my heart began to falter. Emptiness covered in despair slowly comforted by ailing heart. The smiles I shown represents the lies I tell to cover the hate and sorrow which has been tearing my spirit apart.

All I ask is to feel its essence. Give me hope for someday I will be able to show an honest smile before life becomes burden for me to carry. The further I walk the heavier my steps become because of the voices in my thoughts that have been telling me to stop. My eyes become darker and darker reflecting nothing but emptiness. Hope was lost becoming nothing more but a dream. While I am awake, I live in a nightmare. When I asleep, I live in a dream with no ends.

With just a word is enough for me. All I need is to believe. It has been said with patience comes everything but what has not be said was patience is not eternal.

White Figures

2010-03-28T22:35:00.002+08:00

Spirits wearing white washing the world with their sins. Lusting for their desires the world shall crumble or will it become their haven?

Screams of hatred

2009-07-09T00:33:00.001+08:00

BURY THE THOUGHTS I HAVE FOR YOU, KILLING THE NAMELESS BEINGS I ONCE CARED FOR. HATE THE WHORES WHO GAVE BIRTH TO EARTH AND MURDER THE BASTARDS WHO DEMANDED PEACE

Untitled VIII

2009-05-17T22:53:00.000+08:00

Dear love,

I wonder where you are now while reading this letter. Here I am wishing you well. I am now troubled by worries which pain my heart. Knowing you are the one reading this letter I fell I can confide truly to you. Tears falling from my eyes, I am lost without words. Every hope I had are lost without a trace. As time passes me by, I could feel myself slowly fading away, becoming less cheerful. At a time like this, I wondered whose words I should believe in. When I am left hopeless, whose support should I asked for. My heart has been broken into pieces for far too many times. The pain which I had endured is too much for me to bear. I am lost in my life without you.

Dear love,

I am living well and am grateful for this letter. The trust you have in me brings me joy for I know you believe in me greatly. Please my love, do not cry. The tears you have shed bring sorrow to my heart. Now I should be there by your side comforting you and giving you the support needed for you to get through this dark time. When you are alone, just believe in your own voice. Having the will to carry forth and believing in a brighter future will allow your strength to regain itself. I myself am suffering as well. The pain which I felt will not allow me to rest my thoughts, having needed to endure it all through sleepless nights. Here I am enduring it, believing in myself and the future which I dreamed to be bright. Have courage and rise above the pain you are feeling, give hope to your dreams and believe in them. Sorrow will forever follow us, there is no escaping it. Never give in to it, forever you must fight in order to gain the happiness which you seek. When the time comes, I’ll be by your side my love and forever will be there for you.

Empty Reflection

2009-04-10T01:11:00.002+08:00

I smile when is needed and I laugh when I want to. Regrets fill my heart whenever I speak. Surviving daily and wishing to be home to rest myself.

Many have others to depend on, knowing they will be there to hold them dearly. Someone will be there to support them whenever they fall. The trust they built is flawless.

I am here alone in the dark, reflecting on myself through the abyss. An empty soul seeking for comfort. Years passed and here I stand, knowing nothing will come while time passes by.

Reality

2009-03-27T23:31:00.004+08:00

This is the world which I live in. A mistake made will haunt you for the rest of your life. A skillful man who has no knowledge for certain things shall be known by others as worthless. A person will be there to torment those who dare to hate without reason. Having the heart to do so shall be known as a savior. Murder with a cause can be justified.

Untitled VII

2009-03-15T21:48:00.004+08:00

I'll be myself when my heart is freed from everything which makes it weak.

Untitled VI

2009-03-09T00:05:00.002+08:00

Uninterrupted, I continued on my journey when suddenly a person approached me and changed my life.

Mistaken/Hidden Desire

2009-02-18T02:53:00.001+08:00

The sun raises high into the sky, shinning its happiness to the world with hope in its heart. Life itself grew strong believing the day shall bring peace to some. Fates intertwine with one another, leading to adventures without bounds. Some being hopeful for having moments in the future which may bring nothing but pleasure.

Not many know of this but time is not whole. Moments chained to one another carry existence forward without remorse. Never halt to wait for anyone. Moments which have passed, many survived endless suffering brought forth by tyrants without mercy. Every life has its limits; every life has its own hatred and weaknesses.

For one particular day, a moment broke the peace which silenced abhorrence. Left speechless, my feelings towards everything died. Believing the ones around me misunderstood the intentions; I was weak and ignored to seek the truth within the words. Smiles shine wishing to hide mistakes, trying to overshadow any resentment born within the moment and the moments to come.

Countless feelings lingering without my thoughts, I came to acknowledge them without acceptance. Lies told having no one in mind to hurt we laughed for joy. As time goes by, words began to spread to other planes. More came with seeking for their faith in their belief. Smiles shown with lies told without thoughts made to understand anyone.

At day we converse, night we slumber. Pain and fear invited themselves to be among us without our knowledge and joining to break the bond we could have had. Night rose, giving the devil a moment to smile. Whispers traveled from one to another, giving birth to an unholy desire. From then on, foundations made to hold on to days which could have been spent without worries began to falter. Eyes filled with fear turned and glared, with the heart being held comfortably by horror. An innocent being who knows nothing made victim.

Day came, my heart torn apart for being made into someone I am not. The world others believed I wish to take feared me. Nothing has been done by me to deserve such a treatment. The day passed and night came. Moments between weakened my body and mind, begging me to let them be. I went back home, seeking solitude and trying to avoid the world. Then, I am told of the deeds done before my eyes.

From this day forth, I told tales hiding truth I wish to ignore. My conscience was held against its will. What am I to feel? What is the truth behind those tales I told? The answers to my questions were lost. Time has passed me by, taking what I truly feel with it. I am left here to ponder of the past. Actions taken then are hated by me. What am I to do to end such misery which is killing me? A blade before me giving hope to its consequences soften my heart.

Beneath It All

2009-02-15T22:59:00.002+08:00

Watch as I fall, screaming in joy for the love of pain. Fallen from heaven, I was hated in hell and so I walk among men on earth. Faces I seen, hiding lies beneath their smiles. Eyes staring at me with disdain disguised by false laughter.

I asked for nothing, taking everything for myself without others being made victim of my desires. And yet I am abhorred by my presence. Lies told without truth spread among the crowd, turning hate into dread. My body given to me were made grotesque, giving hope to those who believed in themselves. Pride made elegant, my worthless heart shattered to pieces. The world seek nothing but perfection, begging in silence to be acknowledged. Nothing were done, others pressing matters to their mind. I am left innocent, tortured by beliefs made by their own wishes.

Here before you, I show it all. Tearing my skin bits by bits, showing you what's beneath it. Emptiness filling the void which kills me slowly, is all I have to hold dear. I have nothing beneath it, holding nothing back. being afraid to show. I exist only for my needs, not for you.

Entering A New Age

2009-01-31T04:18:00.002+08:00

Before time came, my life was made without my consent. Choices given to me without being allowed to choose. Hated during a new year, I am to suffer flawlessly again

Untitled V

2008-09-18T22:40:00.003+08:00

How am I to feel when fear has consumed my heart? Past memories killing my soul, I am lost without hope. An angel forever bright, beyond the horizon I could not reach. Voice softly spoken, weakening my strength. The world may not agree but to me perfection was found.

I'll ignore my conscience to avoid hatred from rising. I have no rights to break the foundation which keeps all in place. I'll suffer on my own for others to smile. In darkness I watched as the rest lived in harmony.

I'll smile to greet. I'll laugh to comfort. In truth Ill cry for the future which could have been. Time will flow without anyone knowing. A secret I hide, for myself to bear. Silence will come to heal my wound.

Emptiness

2008-09-08T22:51:00.001+08:00

Hungry mind craving for thoughts.

Dying Soul

2008-06-26T21:22:00.000+08:00

Anger they felt, holding tightly without the thought of setting them free. The soul residing within their hate slowly dies along with his hope. His mind is gently slipping away, killing his sanity.

With his own hate, suppression from all is kept from his will. Keeping his future alive, knowing what he desired may die before anything can be achieved. Night after night, his eyes stare into nothingness wishing to be freed. Blades within his reach, he taught of ending all torment. A sin committed, he’ll be condemned for eternity.

What faith he has that’s keeping him alive all these time? As time has passed, his past mistakes haunt him still. Unable to repent, he left without trying. Now he knows what makes them happy. Now he knows what they desire. He was born and raised there and there he will die knowing nothing of the world. Such a life makes them smile. Left alone, they’ll scream believing in nothing but their fear and assumptions.

They saw him came to life and they’ll be there to see him die.

Hate In Place

2008-06-15T17:31:00.002+08:00

As I grow in this place, my hate follows. The people around me begin to be disgusted by my existence. The feelings I have, murdered by their hatred. I am lost, wanting to disappear. Everyday I wish I am dead, but time showed me it’s too late for it now. My hope for death is for those who hate my presence wishing to relieve me from my pain.

In the beginning we were well. Emptiness covered my heart, ignoring every thoughts carried forth by feelings. The fault is my own for I attached myself to others who judge according to their own senses. The peace I desired was torn by my own mistakes and so I was condemned to accept the pain and suffering in order for me to understand my own flaws

Their eyes showed me nothing, smiles hiding lies. Here, I slowly hide myself, away from all. In the dark I pray for nothingness to consume. My heart I hate, may it be ripped from my soul. My mind I hate, may it be taken from my body.

At last, I understand. All who abhorred me, I will not care. Your thoughts are your own, having no relation with me. Say what you want, I’ll make myself deaf. A life born to be ridiculed, satisfying the joy of torment. I will not care for I am here living by my own will. Oppression from worthless beings, I will kill to gain freedom. My lust for survival is dying of hunger, not knowing where to feed.

I am my own demon, corrupting my own thoughts. I am my own angel, carrying my soul to eternal life. The world is an empty field for me to linger, nothing more.

Failing World

2008-01-30T23:11:00.000+08:00

Uprising tension; the birth of flaws gave life to sins. Hidden truths buried deep where death dwells, I crawled in pain and suffered in vain. Lost dreams shattered by faith, eyes of believers’ cried blood as innocent children suffered for our mistakes.

Tearing and ripping with no purpose to achieve, all else failed before our lives are made important. Lying dead without a goal achieved, nature consumed all being before tears could be shed. From heaven fire rained down upon us. From hell, open arms inviting all for shelter. Paths made clear to us blurred by greed, destruction made inevitable. Calamity brought forth, shown the world it belonged to no one but us.

Shivering voices demanding satisfaction, filthy hearts fulfilled with pleasure gained from the demise of others. Headless soldiers killing and dying without any sense of direction. Societies abhorring all hate; murdered for they are seen as threats.

Here we stayed, awaiting destruction to end our sufferings. Here we wait, as hate declared war on humanity. The peace which we all wishes to built shall be the downfall of our future.

Revival

2008-01-09T17:07:00.000+08:00

Reviving myself as another year has died

Caring Beloved

2007-09-28T01:19:00.000+08:00

Tearful eyes,
Please do not cry.
Offered my hand,
For you to hold.
My angel of life,
You filled my heart and soul.
Essence of fear,
I cast will them away.
Wandering shadows,
I’ll lead them away.
Be not afraid,
For I am here.
Be not frighten,
For I shall protect you.
My love, I will stay.
If time ignores me,
I will continue to stay.
I’ll love eternal.
I’ll care, forever.

Suicide's beauty

2007-07-28T13:18:00.002+08:00

How tasteless it made
Flowing smoothly from me
Blade covered by colour, beautified
Tears of happiness comforted by anger
Let my hate grow to consume all desires
My sins left alone, being pure from all
Promises for nothingness, I died with screams
Torn my skin, ripped my veins
Sweet pain desired by my heart
All I wished is for me to suffer
Tormented by death, eaten by life
The devil’s fear giving me hope to live
An angel’s flaw made me contempt
Tattering myself for the love I hate
Hell awaits my arrival
I’ll smile in blood, begging for it

Sin's Beauty

2007-07-28T13:18:00.001+08:00

Motionless, a beauty made dead
Flawless corpse, purity by thoughts
Virgin souls given a reward
Sacrifice them, rejoice in bloodless divine
Leap across flames, bottomless pits waiting for whores
Desires taken, angered flaws of humanity
Bleeding scars hidden in darkness
Shadows swallowed hope made for redemption
Twisted melodies echoes in silence
Tickling ears, keeping infants asleep
Lullaby humming nightly
Tearing mouths begging it to stop
Impaled their sins
Ripping their hearts from humane thoughts
Murdering hate for the love of torment
Death rejoiced before the devil’s presence

Faithless

2007-07-28T13:17:00.002+08:00

Demonic birth conceived in pain
The devil’s child formed on earth
From her womb, I came
Waited by filths having nothing to live for
Tears of blood prepared for me
Souls sacrificed for my pleasure
Hidden in cages, shadowed by lust
Prying eyes blinded by their flaws
Sweeten appetite, their cries be my fare
Screams from torments, I took as rewards
Angered and tortured, I wished for more
Tainted desires corrupting their faith
In silence I wait, for moments to come
Gently I come forth, whispers to their ears
Fading from His light, come to me to rejoice
Fallen hope meant only death chained in hell
Come with me to fill your joy
End all lies and emptied promises.
Come with me to live anew.
Offer my pledge, together we consume
To others we are feared
To worshipers we are legion

Forgotten Meaning

2007-07-28T13:17:00.001+08:00

The shinning moon
Casting its beauty beyond the world
Levitating desires into peace
Days of frustration hindered by its silence
And yet the night awakened by its reflection
Little eyes closed
Slumbering through time
Away they minds drift
In dreams they lived
Days for them are reality
As nights are fantasies
Time by its side
Comforting its heart
In their eyes, darkened sky calls for demons
Answering cries torn from tormented souls
Its purpose lost from its meaning
In their thoughts, its hours meant only to hate
As for me, it is for desires to attain their wish

Nurtured Anger

2007-07-28T13:15:00.000+08:00

We take your life
We give you death
We end all lies
We start to deceit
Sorrowful, unheard pleasure
Horrid, how gentle it sounds
Impaired eyes, torn by anger
The significance of a murdered heart
We stayed to witness
Impale them, slay their desires
Restrain them, chain of broken thorns
Let them rip their hope
Slaughter them, blades of hatred
Let them slit their hearts.
Conspired between us
Gained only satisfaction
From the depths of our thoughts
Vengeance rebirth within us
Done by our hands
We saw him smile
Cleanse the filth from our hands
We saw him smile
Corpse of a thousand souls
Hidden from the world
We saw him smile
In the end
What we’ve done
His eyes satisfied
His expression shown with a smile

Silence Hatred

2007-07-02T10:52:00.000+08:00

Alone she stayed,

In darkness she prayed.

Forsaken soul,

With purposes unknown.

Fingers; they pointed

Like blades for murder.

Smiles from hearts

Nurtured by hate.

She cried and cried

In silence she cried

Torment from pain

Love was born

Headless figures

Lending a hand.

Eyes thirsting for tears,

Drowned with no mercy.

So lost, a maiden in chains

Why were you born?

A question she asked

Silence replied.

A voice from her heart

Said without a sound;

“Blood from me,

Set them free”

Neither sadness nor happiness

Filled her thoughts.

Quietly she lay

Waiting for darkness to consume.

How clam it flow,

Away from herself.

In tears she cried,

The first in happiness.

Voices of emptiness

2007-06-25T21:19:00.000+08:00

Existence seems parallel. Realized unorthodox behaviors represent the means to exist. Coincide with unheard voices, senseless procedures signify the very foundation of sins and flaws. Stupidity made as a whole, one would seem to be blameless for their innocence. Countless days and nights spent for glories holding an identity one would considered insane. No pauses for fame all seemed satisfied by lust from the presence of calamity. A melancholy deity died without life, praised for its nonexistence by foul men begging for attention.

Perfection of a heartless man, desires for blood gained from brutality shown by the beliefs made by worthless whores of life. Angered the beast made by God, they resent the lies made from nothing. Torched the lives of bloodless corpse, rivers flowed the dead. Thirst made not to be quenched, suffered without death. Eyeless blind, saw nothing but heard the cries of the living.

How have they lived? Carried their burden by themselves and having no help from others. The sense of caring died within them, emptiness consumed their heart. A void created to eat away any conscience they have tried to make. One without words, dared to speak without sounds and by the eyes of the grotesque, a miracle with flaws came to live giving only mischief to the living societies.

For centuries, the world had gained nothing. Instead it has lost everything. In the end, every existence shall perish, living no traces to follow. Consequences from doubtful thoughts will devour away the happiness humans created.

Sides of living

2007-04-18T14:22:00.000+08:00

Endless cycle, difference in appearance and yet some couldn’t care less. Everyone concerned in their own life, enjoying and suffering with one another or left alone to recreate their dreams and desires. Holding on to fulfill their wishes, some sacrifice their future for the beliefs they have complete faith on. Concerned minds feared for their future, ignoring their chances of excitements. Doubtful, they lingered in depression hoping to find satisfaction as for the ones who freed themselves from being life’s slaves, they willingly enjoy the finite time they have.

Lives carrying their own fate, ones unable to go on were heard by the world through their cries. Others not wanting pity lived on without any help. How simple one being can live with no knowledge of others around them. Believing only their eyes, endless callings for help silent by their ignorance. A task given to one, they focused and shun the world away. Smiles on their faces, frowns lost in their thoughts. Some slumbers while others awake facing the world with an eye. Consequences mean nothing when they are far away. For a moment, the future is empty, without thoughts on the past and future. Past flaws with guilt forgotten, lost forever and their meanings and purposes left to die within their hearts. The present is their purpose, nothing else. What could be done now is all that matters. Either to regret or to be relieve are concerns that comes later.

The beauty in such life condemned by the world. Ones having happiness only believe in such a way and yet a few hated it. When the end corners them; they fear. Purposes fulfilled, they face death as a friend with a smile of happiness having regrets locked away. Nothing matters anymore for them as long as they are able to smile. Anyone who cares for strangers will die having no heart that is whole. A choice for all to choose, how will one live? According to others of their own belief. How sad for someone to die not knowing what’s to be done.

How joyful for someone to either die with happiness fulfilled or sadness covering their eyes from the world where satisfaction resides.

Forsaken Love

2007-04-02T21:58:00.000+08:00

We are the same, neither loved nor hated. Awaken from slumber and you were made into existence. Where lays the purpose we are to find? Exhausted from deepening your ways, found only flaws that made you pure. Gratified by others’ consent, you gave nothing in return. Resolved for nothing you returned to your sleep.

Heats of the living corrupted by visions separated from humane beliefs. You were torn apart, lost in conscience and left behind through endless time. When all else failed, their heads will turn. With eyes bleeding red, your beauty made as a god. Forgotten by them, murdered by their desire and yet in faith they returned for nothing, begging to find sympathy. Your love for them brought forgiveness. Without questions, their sins forgiven. For one who has no heart, lost desires could be found in you. Carried the burden of humanity in silence, you darkened the days of death. You brighten the days of life. Motionless, your wish reached their hearts.

Finally, I came to understand that your deeds are heartless. With no conscience you carried them throughout time. You being mother of life and death have no thoughts for them. For this I became infatuated in you. Neither for nor against, a cause misinterpreted by humanity.

In a moment where silence slumbers, I came to you. At last, I’ll rest by your side till the light fades into darkness. Return to dust I’ll have no worries. Quietly sleeping with hate buried deep in my heart. The thought of you kept me at ease. How beautiful a rose, your purity untouched healing my heart until it die.

Parted Thoughts

2007-03-01T23:27:00.000+08:00

Across the night, I dined alone without a sound. Saddened moon tormented by the clouds, made no difference between us. Misplaced from the world, I looked upon loneliness as a guide. Crawled away from everything I had desired and left my life behind without a sigh. Regretting a decision, treated it as a flaw I ripped my heart from within me trying to liberate myself from oppressing chains. Away, far from myself I ignored fate not wanting to answer my callings. Tempted to return, I shy away avoiding past flaws. I am left with nothing now, without a soul to warm my heart, without my senses to ease my conscience. Life from here I shall live in emptiness.

Gifted to torment, I enjoyed it myself. Without a place to rest I am exiled from their homes. Although I was my own fault to have left the ones I cared but I fear not for myself instead their own. Meaningless it may seem and still I will continue on, only my shadow to follow after my footsteps. Ending a chapter by my blood, I torn fate apart. Killing lies inflicted through sins, I denounced the deeds made by men.

Sacrificed my soul without a heart, a price no one dares to bargain. Feel the wrath of my foe, giving nothing but a smile I died in vain. Tempered curses fallen unto myself, I grinned with joy for I am to carry them, no other. Knowing nothing good, I traveled before the world entering tainted hearts men carry by their own. How sweet of them, to care for one but not all. Wonderful to watch them as they fall, resulted in nothing. Eyeless, untouched and yet are visionaries.

What more would I give to take death from life?

Emptied Memoir

2007-01-22T02:05:00.000+08:00

Meaningless to be apart, I stayed by your side until the purposes that kept us far died along with your faith. Ripped from your heart, I dare not to place the blame on you. The sufferings you have endured, I will carry them with me. An innocent angel should be left alone for happiness to comfort them. Still, I wished for a hopeless thought that you may remember me as someone you had once cherished.

So it seemed that I am a faded memory none dared to grasp. Burning the illusions of you from my mind, I tried to walk away and yet I still tried to find my place in you. Where has the fault appeared that made our future turned from a beautiful dream into a worthless nightmare?

I am to be alone from this day and travel to a distance until my presence no longer lingers around you. Sweet beauty made neither for happiness nor sadness, I wished I could stay. The hope we had for our days and nights to live burnt into ashes before my very own eyes. What use that may come for me to cry over passed sadness when I am to endure the pain for eternity. My fate has betrayed me; my own soul has left me. If I could, I would wish to stay for another day but I wonder if that’s what I desire?

No one to seek for advices, I looked upon myself for joy. Denied my own flaws I tried so hard to forsake my own life. At last I could now ask and ponder if the choice I had made is right for me or for you?

Ritual

2007-01-15T01:24:00.000+08:00

times have passed since i came to speak. so long ago, i felt i have neglected my duty.

Fallen Hope

2006-10-22T00:44:00.000+08:00

Pure beauty when one seems to smile. Joy of the world gave the sun purposes to shine. Hope brightens by the future which seems blurry. Happiness brings forth wonders, giving strength none could imagine. Sadness made perfect, flawed by pleasure. How it burnt so swiftly, I couldn’t tell. Souls taken against their will for the sake of happiness. Men dying to achieve something they believed to be real. Dying for something that only exists in their minds. For some death brings joy, for others it brings misery. Should the truth be told, or kept hiding from the world? Who in the world is given the rights to answer?

Tortured souls gave up false hope to people wanting nothing else but to be happy for eternity. When they reach the end, their hope for a future shattered by facts defying their courage. Time became an enemy, not wanting to be followed. Denying people’s efforts to survive. Life came to be, joining time as they began to fade from our eyes. Purposes for survival seems clear when one holds knowledge that consists of nothing but delight. When the world came crumbling before their feet, fear gave birth to anger, bearing a child all feared; suffering.

Offspring of sins gave birth to men. A flaw that seems to be perfect. Why should one continue on for life if it doesn’t even hear our cries? Angels came to take us away and angered by our fear, we were brought back to the world to pay for our mistakes. The punishment for men’s sins is to place them here on this very world and face through a process that bares everything signifying the devil; life.

Why should we die for something that doesn’t believe in us? Why should we pay for something that deserves nothing? The dead holds nothing. Memories cherished shall disappear into the abyss. Happy or sad, it makes no difference. Everything comes to an end when we are freed from life.

For this, I beg. Take me away and leave me be. Emptiness cherishes our sanity more than life. Death ends all pain, giving nothing to us but solitude. Why should we wait for 80 years when we can go forth by our own will?

Should we fear for our soul more than our life?

Chosen Decision

2006-10-10T21:48:00.001+08:00

It was just a dream? Nothing more but fantasies I had desired? Why have it come to this? I see now that it is completely pointless for me to be asking myself all these questions. How can I answer them when I myself am the one who asks? Long have I endured the truth and now I realized I haven’t really accepted it.

How I adore these moments, knowing I am to be freed from everything and yet how I abhorred the facts that pushes me away from civilization. Ones I have faith in could only bring peace to my mind but none can bring forth happiness. Moments victory last only for a day while moments of misery lasts for decades. I can never run from reality. Never could, and never will but why am I still trying to?

Please, I beg of you. Leave me alone. Forget the things that I had said; forget the things I had done. Leave everything lost and never retrieve them. I want no part in anything anymore. What I have shall only be mine, no one else’s. The sight of you angers me. Knowing who you are brought pain and emptiness to my heart because I know what I desired from you could never be attained. I shouldn’t have reached out to you. I shouldn’t have come to you from the beginning. It will only bring pain to me and I hope it doesn’t to you.

A decision has been made by me. A decision that may hunt me, torture my thoughts while trying to make me regret for the rest of my life. Apart from that, I truly believe that it is the right way. So from here I bid my farewell to you.

I’ll pray at night my shadow will disappear. Leaving no traces of myself for you to follow. I wish to fade from you.

Divided Choices

2006-10-04T19:53:00.000+08:00

My blood, tainted by the filth I abhorred. There I sat, watching as they flow out of my body. Like rivers calmly flowing away. My eyes began to change from black to grey. Barely capable to open them, I was getting weaker as time starts to move even faster. I felt nothing, neither pain nor anger. There was nothing for me left. Years have passed till memories were forgotten. Till I forgotten the feeling of happiness. After all these years, I finally remembered. Smiles of nothingness vanished. Now I am free. Away from my mistakes, away from everything that has been chaining my life from freedom. Kept me locked in unwilling to let me go.

Has it finally come, my demise? If so, then please take me away. I have had enough of everything. Ones I adore will die by my hands. Ones I abhor will be made by my hands. I wish to end it all. My existence imbalances the world. I have no heart to watch them die. The one that gave me hope will perish. I will push her away, keeping danger away.

I am whom you cursed as a monster. I am whom you hate as a criminal. I am whom you condemned as the devil’s significant. But to her, I am nothing more but a lost soul waiting for a savior. Will I be saved when all else has failed? Faces disappeared from me, fearing for the worst and there she was unwilling to leave.

You eyes tell stories only I could understand. You smiles brighten my day even when darkness covers all. For this I wished you would leave. For this I wished you will be safe from me, far way from me. Away from death that wanders around with me. For this I wished to let you go.

Alas, I dare to ask one last question before uncertainty fades away forever. Are you willing to accept me?

Choices of living

2006-10-03T18:59:00.000+08:00

Every second I heaved for breathe, corrupted by my mistakes. All that I have done was neither for love nor passion but guilt. I am but an instrument, made to bring equilibrium between love and hate. How I brought balance; that I am afraid to say. Disgrace wasn’t the cause for my silence but fear. Fear of hatred towards my mistakes. Fear of acceptance when I am known. Fear of pain when one would be lost.

To them, I may be strong but to myself I am weak. Down by my knees wishing rip my feelings away from my thoughts. My life is to be lived in the dark, in silence where I could wander around aimlessly till I find my mistakes.

My mistakes are for myself to face. A burden I wish none would know but it was too late. Lives of innocents changed because of my mistakes. Some felt it as a wonderful gift given to humanity enabling them to reach heights no living being could ever imagine. Others felt it as a curse. Condemned by God himself, a punishment severely torturing our souls to open our eyes as what we had done in this world will never be in heaven.

Why have I been placed in this world with feelings I know may hurt. They left me alone with others I hated and yet admire. A twisted little world I couldn’t bare to see and yet I still do. One by one they reached my heart, melting the ice around trying to keep it warm. Till then one came and gave me hope. Hope I could never imagine such a thing would exists.

In the end, hope is just a dream lived by people that have nothing else to loose. What I wished for was right in front of me and yet I feared too much to reach it. So I walked away, trying to change my state of thinking to something that leaves happiness dead and pain as my comfort. Even when I tried to move away, my heart still wishes. Wishing for the one who gave me hope comes and takes me away. Will it ever come?

A journey's end

2006-09-22T21:47:00.000+08:00

Anger raging, hate began to lust. I remained behind waiting the outcome of this. His sins made him regret seeing the eyes of those sorrowful children. Their minds completely shattered, living nothing in it. Orders followed without questions asked. Five beautiful little angels, who meant to bring joys to those they adore, ended up holding no feelings attached to their sins.

“What have they done to deserve this? Neither pain nor sadness could bring sufferings to them. Humanity’s nature has left them but an empty shell.” So he said.

The night was young then, the moon bringing its true form. Both pure and bright, it stayed high in the sky with pride. Giving us faint lights to move, we took its offering. There they were quietly moving about in the house. He slipped into the living room waiting for their attention. I followed behind having no desire to help.

The first came and saw his sadden face. Eye filled with tears having no hope in restoring what was once lost to him. Every child would burst into tears when he or she felt themselves being made to feel vulnerable, but they were different. Lifting their hands, they announce death. Sadness murdered by his hate, she fell. By his hands, she finally felt pain the way she should feel. The rest stood their knowing nothing, having no thoughts of moving. The atmosphere turned cold. Time was frightened, having no desire to see this through. He then was on his knees, opened his arm and placed himself around her. All else began to fade away, as if nothing has ever happened. Pain, joy, hate, love went on their own ways.

“Leave this shell that kept you empty. Come with me to a place you can proudly call it home. I will be there to see you safe, I’ll be there to love all, the way a father should love his children. Please, I beg of you. Will you come home with me?” so he asked.

Expression of sadness meant nothing to them until now. He who resented the world for its joy opened the eyes of sweet children blinded by the oppression of the world. Never having any chance to choose for themselves, they have it now. Their hearts were touched by his love and so they accept. Wanting freedom, wanting a life for them to choose, they accepted him into their lives. From there, time went to their side, giving them chances that no other could have.

His love for redemption consumed his desire to give. From there, he began to atone for his sins. From there, he finally felt happiness the way God approves. From there, I left them to bring each other joy. From there, I wondered around existence searching for the one I abhor.

Rising Sun, Endless Being

2006-08-22T20:17:00.000+08:00

The shinning sun, brightened the days of mortals with its purest light. Days of tearing eyes began to fade away, becoming an unremembered memory. Days that once brought forth hopelessness became nothingness. Days known to be dark, forgotten, like a leaf falling from its root, never able to return to its place. Concerned with only their welfare, leaving the darkened regions. And yet they dare to demand satisfaction from pleasures which want nothing more but to murder their time.

With its light, I dared to walk under it. Sheltered by my shadow they followed. My shadow holds no prisoner, only past mistakes. It held grudges against me, without my consent. Purity of the flowing river cleanses my bloody hands, unwilling to wash my guilt away. Timeless endings placed me in peace, knowing the gentle flow of happiness will continue on in its path. Heavenly stars caring for us while the shinning sun rested comfortably. My sight, blinded by my tears gave me hope in darkness. In such I denied my anger, wanting death to come. Senseless wishes in place, waiting for their rightful throne in the sanity of all humans’ mind.

A few will fall, but where is my place? Between the borders I waited. Which side will I partake? Fallen hopes will bring me to an end, silenced in life without fear or such. Dreams of higher desires will bring anger and hate to me, drawing myself towards an end I dare not venture to. Let those who care cry aloud for the bitter end of my meaningless life, for I, one who followed a mistaken living bereaved

From there I begun, seeing how a day will decide my fate. I ventured off in loneliness, trying without hope to achieve a better ending to my story. Days of my tearing eyes will begin to resurface, becoming a disturbing memory. Days that once brought forth hopelessness becomes significance. Days known to be dark, remembered. And so I shall be haunted by my own self, from now till the end of my time.

sinners' lies

2006-08-19T16:57:00.000+08:00

Liars through my eyes, sins washed away. Kept it inside of me knowing the truth will lie. Anger behind my back, watched as time goes by. Forsaken trust between the verses of humanity. Leaving myself down, hung by a thread. Awaiting commands known terrible to the rest. All I see shall be mine to judge. A hand I claimed to be the fist of my thoughts.

Lingered around seeing the eyes. When one lies, I shall be known. Petrified they may seem and yet showed no boundaries. Who should I seek, when truth is lost? My judgment revived by the sins of the lies.

Sweet but true for the things I have said and yet no man dare to journey to the mist.
Let the lies in my hands be turned into dust and the sinners shall awake to face their cause. So I smiled with happiness at last knowing the truth still wanders around.

They may seem hard to catch and yet I did. Let me be a symbol for all who wishes to follow my lead. Atonement shall be mine to control as I am the one who murders their sins.

A world for my own

2006-07-08T23:19:00.000+08:00

Gently, I escaped into the minds of the obscene. I will remain there, waiting for my time. Taking my pains off the reality of my life, into the back of my head. I will wait there till somebody retrieves me.

It doesn’t matter what may come, I’ll slowly slip away to somewhere that’s lost. Never wanting to escape again, so I will wait there. 1…, 2…, 3…, I am nothing but zero. Conspiring between angels and demons. Where am I to stand there? Running and hearing between the voices in my head. Feeling the scent of the fallen thoughts while proving the falsity of deception.

Making a cage for myself, there I felt safe. Knowing the dead will keep silence and the living caring for their fear. There I waited to be retrieved and yet no one came. Keeping myself alive for the years that I can hold but at last I caved in. wanting to be found is a idea base on my own creativity, it doesn’t exists.

Peace in between

2006-06-11T01:31:00.000+08:00

Here I stayed awaiting nothing. The view of the sky, once made me at ease could never be able to relax my senses. Darkened clouds inferited the purest of the shinning sun. Like vengeful disesases killing the pride of humanity. Forsaken sons of saddened fathers, torn apart by the flaws of men. There I sat begging to breathe once again. Clearing my soul with the creations given by God Himself to cleanse the filth of the world,putting my restless thoughts to sleep.

Sightless eyes

2006-06-08T10:00:00.000+08:00

Rejoice in mind, tears in eyes. A forgotten memory visiting its old friend, catching up the old times. The situation has become blameless to anyone. It has only become the thorns on a rose, hurting anyone that dares to grasp it.

So I looked forward, hearing them speak, laughed quietly trying not to disturb. Happiness came to them. Thankfulness held a place in their hearts. So I let them be, not wanting to break their chains. To my left, another smiled. Holding each hands whispering to one another, being glad they replaced hatred with care. So I let them be not wanting to break their chains. To my left, hearing them talk. Bringing old memories up and replacing the pain with understanding reasons. There they resolved emptied promises and endless anger. So I let them be, not wanting to break their chains.

There I sat, alone thinking of the past. Nothing clear came to mind, only visions I wished to have. Neither pain nor happiness, so I wondered what they are? The surrounding darkened, pleasing the seeing eyes. Dimmed light giving enough for the eyes to see. Sweet symphonies playing softly, pleasing my ears. Giving comfort to myself.

What could I see through my blurry eyes? False assumptions deceiving ones heart. Lies that seek a new victim to torment. And I as one will fall on my knees chained to the past. A weaken heart torn by acceptance.

From the bottom I shall rise, despite being held by my thoughts. I will break through the gates, forming my own legions and regain my title as the lord of my mind.

06-06-06

2006-06-06T20:41:00.001+08:00

Petrified in a moment, wishing for it to fade. I seek a calm river, flowing through the valley of forgiveness. Ended my journey I couldn’t dare to take. Feared so much, I had to force a depression unto myself. Desire turned to desperation. That was when I began to fulfill my needs with worthless items.

Am I in denial or saddened by the moment? Should I let them out or just let them go? Confused but not frightened. Disappointed but not angered. Sadden but not torn. Acceptance, how I hate this word. It may murder my sanity but save my pride. Which should I choose? In the end, I could only admire.

I’ll sit by the side, waiting for words to reach me. My voice taken became a mute not daring to speak again. My eyes blinded by the tears I shed over you. Side by side we might sit and I’ll be a stranger to you. Smiles may be exchanged but that’s all there is to it. I’ll see the outcome, not moving a inch. I’ll wait for the silence to pass, trying to hear the coming sound that may or may not save me. I am no different from the fallen rain, pondering on the surface where I had landed. There I’ll wait until the sun rise and take me back up to the sky again.

Now, I’ll wait for myself to regain my own strength. Eyes widely opened once again and be able to feel the feelings that may comfort my desires.

Ending of a chapter

2006-05-15T21:43:00.000+08:00

Moments passing, sun setting and we sat quietly looking. Warmth, I wondered, will it last? Smiling happily hiding everything else behind. My heart broken down, failing to achieve its desire.

Have I slipped? I guess so. Tears began to flow and I wondered, are they happy or sad? Replied saying both and yet it doesn’t satisfy me. “Beautiful sky turning into darkness. Are my eyes tired or is just me?” question asked with an answer we both knew and yet I dare not to reply.

So we waited for the moment. Every second that passed worsen myself. Should I have lived in denial? Could it have made things different? Could I have made things change? Regrets filling me whole. I wept silently beside, not wanting to let things go. Hands held tightly wishing them away but it made no difference.

19 years of living is not enough. Unfair, unreasonable. After all, I am just selfish. Deceased parents unable to hold their child, cried for their lost, feared for their health. I am just plain selfish. Should I be the one, then the other shall suffer. A choice men couldn’t choose and yet they did. A selfish reason for a selfish purpose. Who has the rights or will to choose? Reflecting back as I pondered.

“Alas, we are here. Warm and comfortable. Away from those that opposes, away from the sins of dissenters. And so we are alone now. Let us stay the way we are now and wait for the setting sun to descend. Will we ever meet again, I wonder? A moment to soon for me to leave I guess.”

“What has passed, please let them go. Keep no memories remained in your mind. Let the sadness flow away like a calm river. Keeping everything in place, taking them apart slowly without colliding in harm’s way. Forgive me, this is begged of you.”

Why have you set? The sky has no limits, no boundaries or rules. Please stay on top of us, shinning your beautiful light upon us, keeping us from the dark. Silence overwhelmed us. Not a breath could be heard. It ended, without a sound. Silence made to be a blessing from God ended up becoming a fear I wished I wasn’t afraid of. I just don’t feel like letting go.

Goodnight for now and sleep quietly in peace. I’ll wait again for a moment when the sun rises, bringing more than its light.

Self Enlightment

2006-04-24T15:24:00.000+08:00

lived in a maze, feeding of the haze,
backed myself from the worst to waste.
can't escape these days, i'll deny my ways.
tears of joy gets on my nerves,
i think i'm on the verge of dying.
placed myself in a wooden shelter,
made me whole in a broken cover.
someone save me please,
able just to please.
i can hardly be awake,
i just can't take it.

i'm just a soul who's lost,
blinded by my only flaws.
killing for the days i made for my own cause.
my future looks bleak,
my visions are weak,
i'm just a corpse which is dying from this.

seeing staring eyes,
feeling my demise.
from the liars that tend to lies,
but they'll never see what i despise.

2006-04-02T01:14:00.000+08:00

The line from the beginning of your ancestors will end with you. Oh God you are amazing. The last of your family, the end of your name. In me you have stayed and yet I never found out the meaning of you to me. Endless suffering I have felt as you stayed and did nothing to live. My strength is yours to waste. My sanity as your playground to break. Years have you made yourself comfortable in me, ending up not wanting to leave. Although I have suffered, I am glad for your doing. Never will I live in denial so I have accepted the purpose of dependence. My faith never lifts my will and I ended up not hearing my own conscience even if I tried. Finally I have had enough. My thoughts have piled themselves together forming their own expressions. Our life shall be turned, one will walk on each shoes. My attentions never left you. Day and night I shall watch, never bothering myself, feeling down as long as you are hurting. Never denounce my fear as I am afraid of them even if death is the only option.

2006-04-02T01:04:00.000+08:00

You are the last of your blood
Oh God you are amazing
Apart of me but which are you?
Drained my blood keeping yourself alive
Staying in not wanting out
Pleased for you for the deeds
Fine with the false concept of independence
Never lift my faith up high
Could never hear your voice
Even if I tried to make them
Enough has been felt by this
I’ll let you suffer more then I have
My eyes unmoved by things
They are upon you day and night
I won’t feel bothered if you are
Never lift a finger to inflict my fear
Even if death wants my life

Inevitable Truth

2006-03-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

times and times again i see what i abhorred and yet i do nothing to avoid them. vomitted blood just to get away from them and somehow they will make me feel better, continuing to torment my feelings.

out of this, all i wish is to have it my way. pictures taken signifying ones dream. painting drawn reflecting one's wish. movies made begging to relive their life according to their thoughts.

no one gets what they wanted. the wicked previal getting the rich and fame. all i get is dust. passing time fulfilling my plea. never once in my life will i get what i want. a mediocre life lead by a unknown person. asked for him, no one answers. cried for him, only uncertainty remains.

for a second, i fantasized mytime on earth, living the way i wanted. my mind is where i find peace but sadly the thoughts itself could never be real. my mind is my sanctuary, a place i wish to live in for eternity.

another wish i desire. my needs will never be fulfilled, my cravings will never end. new ones will emerge and by that time, my time will be darkened. depressed by everything. nothing will lead me to happiness but my desires.

unreasonable doubt

2006-03-06T22:43:00.000+08:00

lost, i proclaimed. taken from myself and be someone else. so i waited, longed for something like no other. ended up missing all that was meant to be mine. cried, will they come back? shed tears of joy when my hopes are up. brought myself to my knees when all else has faded. so i waited again, for something that's not.

see this, means nothing. what am i to do? i asked. petrified when a news spreaded across my domain. where else will it go? so i stayed, seeing something passes by. a chance or a hope, i pondered. waited amd waited, nothing came.

at last, i left. by the time i reached a certain point where i lost track of where i am, there it goes again. passed me by. on my knees again i cried. never will i ever could understand this passes. return to where i came? questioned myself. or should i keep going until i find what had passed me. there i waited, not moving. time moved so did my age.

at last, i died. unable to see anything. so there i cried for one last time.

expressing unmeaningful verses

2006-02-15T20:07:00.000+08:00

I can see you here but you wouldn’t even notice me.
I could touch you now but you wouldn’t even feel me.
Wait for the time and you shall be dead on the ground,
There I’ll wait until you really let yourself down.
Be calm, compelled, you are always this beautiful.
All the lies, all the pain you wouldn’t know.
In silence I shall crawl up behind you,
If I am heard then I’ll enjoy trying to hunt you.
I stayed forever,
I’m trying to be patient.
Passing time made me harder to breathe,
I’ll make you mine and always will be.

Please keep your voices down,
Be calm I am trying to find a way.
Did you hear the sound?
Did you feel the wave?
My heart is dying now,
I won't be in here now.

Bring me to my needs,
I am your disease.
Feels like such a pride,
You won’t take me.

I am nervous, preserved,
When I watched you fall.
So I’m sweating through my vein,
Just to see you crawl.
Make a wish,
Make a switch no,
Make it see.
I am willing to emerge, please don’t stick with me.
Give me a chance and I’ll beg for you to stay.
Take me away and I’ll make you forgive my stay.
So I am ready now,
Let us play it now.
Let this be a chance,
Let this be a change.
I don’t think I’m ready now,
I’ll make you ready now.
You could be seen in here,
You could be dead in here.
I will not take this chance,
I will not make it change.

Self Proclaimed

2006-02-01T22:01:00.000+08:00

sleepless nights. tention grew having to know I've lost someone I desire. I proclaimed, in vain expressing the views I have towards the problem.

In reign, to condescend. Never was I able to disagree. Suffered then, leaving my trail with your disdain. announced my thoughts towards my feelings. ending a suffering moment that lasted for eternity.

Ravage through my body, torn apart between hate and love. I shall seek one who remembers and understand the passion of Christ. Turned into dust, in a decade. Made as a morbid soul, awaken by death.

Seeking one's answer, silent voice returned. Seeking one's truth, a tale of forbidden deceit. Living with fear, a gurdian angel they have became. Tears of my sadness be shed, anger protects me from pain. Doubt in life itself, fear saves me from death. One that made all became a lifeless soul lingering around the world, calling itself death. Unseen by eyes, heard by ears. A word out of its mouth will lead to a chain reaction.

So I left, not wanting them all. Kept the suffering to myself, being selfish not to share. And so I waited, and waited for the moment to pass. How long will it go, i asked but none replied. Tearless pain, sufferings unfelt.

So I left alone, keeping them all inside of me. Slowly I will be torn.

Silent

2006-01-04T00:36:00.000+08:00

stand by and watched as you walked pass me. you saw me and stared straight into my eyes and smiled. eased my day like being given strength while feeling heat raising up. words exchanged together without giving any hints. from the start, shyness had comfortably made my feelings as its home.

years we spent our time together and for years i had kept what i truly felt inside of me. admired i said, but is it true or is just a word to prevent myself from moving foward? Why am I afraid of? Who or what keeps me from moving foward? questions asked and yet i never manage to answer them.is it denial or just admiration or fear being left to the side with a broken heart?

what am I to do to end this endless torture? what you see before your eyes are just a image made by me. my true self shall be kept inside of my heart, none able to see.

never will you see my feelings and knowing they are meaningfull. If only I dare to stand for myself and made them clear. hate the world of categorization, burning up my will to strengthen me.

Forgotten Memories II

2005-12-04T18:44:00.000+08:00

Sleepless nights, cried in tears. Tormented by my past memories. The suffering that I had to endure could be death waiting patiently for my soul. In the world I wondered searching for a cure to ease my pain, wishing I could be in slumber without hurtful thoughts impairing my mind.

Time awaiting my answer, kept holding on just for me to act and yet I froze and done nothing to brighten my future. A friend, once an enemy got me up on my feet again, entrusting my life with him, my future and my past. Questions fumbled unto my mind; breaking the barrels between good and bad, saw a shinning light hanging in the sky, unable to touch it. A hole, I guess for me to get out of this plane.

Your love, I will die for. Your love I will love for. Your love, I pondered all my life; to leave it be or take it back. How am I to decide when sorrow follows my every move? Should I retake what is rightfully mine, one will burn and anger will control the actions of an offspring whom I dread and yet is my replacement. Should I leave what I desire, my heart will die not knowing what it could have been when I hold you in my arms again.

Happiness exists solely in dreams. Reality is made into life, progressed its way up to the top, opening my eyes to the possibility of dying from a broken heart. My love, I have lost. Forgotten is a word that fits my name for now. Nameless is another to satisfy my sorrow. Lost from your eyes, lost from my beloveds. One I could have loved shall be loved by another. Forgive me for letting you go. Emptiness will be felt in your heart for now but soon it shall be gone. I am not worthy to be at your presence. Just a worm finding its hole to hide.

From the side I watched as you all grow old. A smile on my face knowing you all are happy. Cried silently without a sound. Unheard from the world for God will be the only One who hears. I am lost, forgotten. Misfit sent here to give joy to you. That’s enough to make me happy for a short moment but it is enough. My bleeding heart will take no more from this tragedy and I shall say this once and for all. Goodbye, my love.

forgotten memories

2005-11-20T11:56:00.000+08:00

Quietly I calmed myself down and then angered my feelings again knowing well that it may do no good for me. Refusing to take back what I had done, making sure none surpasses my sins. On nights I prayed, asking for your answer and yet none returned.

My beloved, the last I will love. Death means nothing, as long as you’re safe. I won’t know what to say or do but when the time is right, I will know how to react to the moment. Blinded by your beauty, deafened by your sweet voice, my world has become meaningful again. My heart once locked, keys thrown away never letting anyone in. but you found them and my trust was unlocked, given to you as you gave yours to me. You were my light in the darkest hours, my soul when my faith was lost.

Soft, you were. How sweet of you. To hold my hands. How sweet of you to smile when I was down. Helped me up to my feet whenever I fall. Brighten my life, darkened my past. Wonderful, an angel bestowed upon earth. How close were we together? Could we have been closer to each other? Could we have changed the way we are now? Could we have made a difference then?

I am just a walking shadow that happens to pass you by. Among the crowd that happens to slip pass you. I shall live among the dead when we are to talk. I shall be a stranger to our children’s eyes. A father they never had before. Tears escaped from my eyes when I see a lie had been told to you. Someone believed to be a love you never had loved before. All is lost, never could they be returned. A cruel goodbye.

A wish is all I needed and yet it doesn’t exist. My heart bled when I see you in front of me. Looking at each other knowing that past memories never existed. Days spent thrown away in just a moment.

untitled VI

2005-11-16T19:16:00.000+08:00

Words had been said to me that I’ve got no chance to go on with it. I threw them away but I myself is not sure how am I to face the world like this or how to react to what I am to feel while trying my best to handle the days that are to come. All of these are blurry but I am certain that I shall not let go of what I had said or promised.

Opened my heart and wanting my promise to stay there. Angered those around me and yet I feel them comforting me, loving the pain they give to me cause I know I have the strength to go on with my choice.

I shall remember this day that I had ignored all words, respecting no one beside me. I’ve done all this out of love. I shall miss you, dear. Miss the days you made me smile. I’ve always loved the way you love but I couldn’t love you back. Knowing the people around me shall try to beak what we had together.

It’s just not fair. But I guess this is part of the sufferings that one has to live through in life. How I wish it would go away. I shall leave my love to you here for your presence will only kill me more. Voices made sweet in my ears, purifying melodies. Even if you are still here, I shall not be there with you. There shall be times where I will need you in my arms for comfort but I shall have to live with the fact that you are not here anymore.

Imagined my life with you shall no longer in my mind. Thickened my feelings, not wanting to think of you. I begged to forget and yet my mind seems to be against me. I loved you then, and I shall love you now but I shall not be there to do so. Missing you while I waited behind you. Missing you while we share words.

Untitled III

2005-11-16T18:45:00.000+08:00

I shall post more than one post today. this will be the first of the 3.

Tried and tried to ignore the pain. Grew up doing so until now not wanting to show it. Sacrifices have been made to withstand the pain that has been felt. Escaping the moments, wishing them to be past memories. Distorted our eyes, clarifying the answers we sought to find when everything is clearly dying right in front of us.

Emotions shown through time shall be our weakness. Sickened by the thought of it, glad to live through it though. I am my own majesty, a king controlling my own time and life. my mind is mine, not its own. I shall be the one making the choices, making sure what I wanted to feel. All is up to me to decide.

My own feet, I shall get up. Arise from a fall conquering every pain and suffering I have to pass. Endure them all shall be only way I could live my life happily, knowing I had passed them all and be proud of my accomplishments.

Lessons of life shall be open my eyes and help me to go on in life. Good things shall be with me, making my dreams into reality, crossing over the line between what’s real and what was not. Never shall I fall and never rise again. What has tried to put me down shall only do it once, for I am eternal. Never will my soul fall just for a simple mistake. I will reign and arise from the abyss, over and over again.

untitled II

2005-11-16T14:01:00.000+08:00

i want to see you but you wouldn't see me.
i'm the past and the present that you are facing.
i'll be the last, the first for you to feel me.
wait in seconds, until you let your guard down.
make you feel i am around but never able to see me.

i'm trying to hold on, oh wait i can't be gone.
trying to stay calm, i won't let me be.
everything is wrong, denying me.
with words speaking of me. being paranoid
make them stop please. i won't let go.

wake me in my dream, imagined myself
i am not ready to break. tattered and torn
such a brat in me, lost life's will
you can't make me. loose control

this is such a fate, won't let it be
i think i'm ready now, or am i ready now?
when is the time that's right? ask me or ask the light?
i can't control my fate, i just can't
i can't control you fate, i just can't
i want to make them mine, i just can't
i want to make them yours. i just can't
i want to hurt your life, i just can't
i want to drink your tears, i just can't
i won't be the man,
who wants the fear to leave.

untitled I

2005-11-10T08:03:00.000+08:00

Fascinated by marvelous things while being infatuated in useless objects, never knowing why. Better life style, rich and famous. There are times I got to breathe, inhaling glorious oxygen to release the tension that had built itself up inside of me.

Living alone in this pathetic world, having my role models killed, tearing my heroes apart. Wake up my fear; haunted by my past and feeling something inside of me had woken up again. The things that signifies my flaws shall be shown openly, scaring those around me away. Faces known to me shall disappear in time. Friends and families hall turn their backs on me.

I won’t be able to stand everyone’s faces. Distorted in my eyes, sickening myself. In time I shall crawl into my shell watching the world pass me by. Waiting for the right time before I open myself up to the world.

Questions asked from the beginning of my life are answered with my sins. Out from the ashes I came, wanting to watch the world crumble before my feet. I shall not be a dog to life, never controlled by anyone. My existence was made for me to control any way I want, moving where ever I want to go, making whatever choice I sees fit and taking any actions I feel is right. No one shall see what I truly feel about this place. Abhorring everything I encountered in life.

I am ogled, minuscule, being ridiculed and tormented by useless beings making themselves feels superior. Holding the pain, awaiting my reward. Something I have faith in but never believing in it much.

Forgiveness of doubt

2005-10-30T00:39:00.000+08:00

In life sooner or later we as humans will make mistakes that may tear our sanity away. Slowly attacking our conscience until our mentality breaks down. Somewhere along the way, we shall make wrong turns in life but for some they may able to find they way back in track and continue on living their lives happily. As for others, they may never return to the state of happiness, forever condemned by darkness not able to recover. If only our lives are like driving on a road where we are able to just reverse our cars and go on our right way when entered a wrong junction.

Regret is all that’s left, walking behind us, unable to make it leave our feelings alone. Like our darkened shadow, forever following behind us even till death. As the days passed by, we could only ask for redemption, forgiveness by God Himself. As for those who believe in no Gods, their conscience shall turn on them, making regret as their ultimate weapon to break their minds down.

Sins that are made on earth shall be forgiven if one truly wants atonement. These are words said and written but never spoken from the one who judges. Humans are flawed for they are capable of sinning. What have the world become in this era? Everything which is great is contributed or built from sins. A pure soul shall die before a deed is done.

Torn apart by greed and power. What is done is done; nothing shall change the past even by trying to take the pain away. All I ask in this life is forgiveness and only from You I shall rest in peace. In this life I lead, I have done things which are against your rules and I am ready to receive my punishment. Please forgive me.

resentment

2005-09-16T09:33:00.000+08:00

friend of my enemy shall be my enemy. enemy of my enemy shall be my enemy. kill those who opposes me. death be on those who dares to defy my existence in life. nightmares of human never got close of killing me. run if you will, in time you shall be kneeling before me.

showing your strenght will just fasten what is to come. listening to the lies you made shall make them worst. one that stand shall befallen on you. the world you once knew will crumble before your feet. the lives you loved will be the ones i take. the ones you kept safe shall be dead before your knees. gently i shall toy with them, enjoying every moments i have just to torture their pathetic souls. stay away from me shall be the way it goes. my eyes see all, especially my enemies.

devil signifies my existence, understanding my life, purify the world with my filth. sacrifies the heads of adversaries. licking their blood on the ground, resenting thier face. humans are made pure and sinless and yet the sight of them liquefied the heart of life.

a demonic ritual just for the enemies, slaughtering their souls in life and death. tearing their souls away from their bodies leaving nothing put pain attached into their minds. slowly and gently i waited for the time to come. endless suffering shall be made from fantasy to reality.

the cries of mercy from their mouth shall be sweet tunes to my ears like a soft symphony. the tears they shed i drank tasted like holy water to my toungue. forgiveness is nothing more but a breeze of air that passes and never shall it return. the joy of inflicting pain to those i dread will be my ultimate goal in life.
patients is what i am made of. either in life or death, i shall wait to slaughter my enemies. caring for nothin but bitter sweet reprisal.

lifeless being standing on the road of life wil never be in the book of death. exiled from both sides, left alone to let them beg for death. burning eyes staring at the ones i hate, this is the consequence for tearing me apart.

a fallen human between angels and devils. held nothing in my hands but the hearts of my enemies. watched carefully at them i will to see them slowly rot. heaven awaits those who plead and yet they serve the One that created the world as it is. Sins are what they want then i shall be the one who judge.

fear can never compare with the doings of the devil. then i shall be untouchable from them.

Slipknot - The Virus Of Life

2005-09-11T09:08:00.000+08:00

I can see you but you can't see me
I could touch you and you wouldn't even feel me
Wait a second and you'll settle down
I'm just waiting, 'til you really let your guard down?
Your relaxed, your sublime, your amazing
You don't even know the danger you're facing
If I'm quiet, I'll slide up behind you
And if you hear me I'll enjoy trying to find you

I've been with you all day
I'm trying to stay calm
i'm impatient and it's really hard to breathe
I'm going to empty you and fill you in with me

Just keep the violence down
Not yet - don't make a sound
Oh God I'm feeling it
It's reaching fever pitch
My skin is caving in
My heart is driving out
No mercy, no remorse
Let nature take its course

watch me - Bring me to my knees
waiting - I am your disease
lover - set my sympton free
covered - you won't feel a thing
you can't stop me

(wait, no, wait, no, wait, wait, not yet, no wait)

I'm sweating through my veins
I'm trying to hold on
It's unbearable, it's almost worse for me
I'm gonna to tear you apart and make you see
MAKE YOU SEE!

watch me - Bring me to my knees
waiting - I am your disease
lover - set my sympton free
covered - you won't feel a thing

This is the virus
THE VIRUS OF LIFE
It gets inside us
AND HURTS US INSIDE
This is the virus
THE VIRUS OF LIFE
This is inside us
THE ONE THAT CONNECTS

It's almost time to play
It's time to be afraid
I can't control the pain
I can't control in me
I'm glad I'm ready now
You're almost ready now
I'm gunna raid it now
I'm gonna break it down
I see you in the dark
I see you all the way
I see you in the light
I see you bright as day
I wanna suck your face
I wanna suck your soul
I wanna wear your face
I WANT TO BREAK IT ALL

watch me - Bring me to my knees
waiting - I am your disease
lover - set my sympton free
lover - You don't love me

This is the virus, the virus of life
This is the virus, the virus of life
This is the virus, the virus of life
This is the virus, the virus of life

THIS IS THE VIRUS, THE VIRUS OF LIFE!
THIS IS THE VIRUS, THE VIRUS OF LIFE!
THIS IS THE VIRUS, THE VIRUS OF LIFE!
THIS IS THE VIRUS, THE VIRUS OF LIFE!

expression of desire, self reflection

2005-08-01T14:17:00.000+08:00

hatred is all i've got in life. nothing shall take that away from me for it's like oxygen to my lungs. a food being fed into my thoughts. happiness can never be found in me, fear took sent it away. death smiled as i cry, life tormented by me as every single coul i have encountered shall be sent back home. every blood i tasted shall be mine alone. every soul i slaughtered will be like joy given as a gift by pain.

my life is dead, filled with desire as no one dare to touch. it is mine to control, hate it? just leave it be. bleeding eyes be the cure to let me see the truth hidden behind lies. men would tear every skin they have just to see what made them die. screams of pain are songs made by the devil. some may enjoy but i abhor.

alone i shall walk forever. a mistake sent to earth for balance. every passing moment shall be a memories that feeling will be born by them, forcing my mind out of sanity. cracking my mind, every second i shall inshale my own blood and eat nothing by thin air.

why am i to live when my life is not for me to choose? just let me die and let the ones controlling me live. i have enough of this prison. the freedom i have is controlled by selfish thinkings. the past shall torment the future, making our beloved lives into a nightmare we wished to get out of. just let me die and rest, time seemed infinite.

untitled

2005-06-24T12:11:00.000+08:00

the desire i have is no greater than what i am.
the feelings i have is no greater than what i have.
death be upon me to kill of the insanity i have.
death be upon me to end the misery i created.
just let me go.

Lost

2005-06-18T11:17:00.000+08:00

my body turned to dust, blown by the passing wind to somewhere s couldn't find. my soul taken from me, locked away somewhere i couldn't reach. my eyes forever weeping, in blood as the pain i felt during the days of my life torn apart by the sins i committed. remembering every single day and playing a movie in my head, thinking of the pain i had felt and the sins i had made. killing those around me and making everything rot as it is in hell.

death comes before me and offered a helping hand. i accepted it without knowning the thruth that lies beneath my rotting corpse. time became endless as i lied inside my beloved coffin. soffocating as life unwillingly wanting to let go of me. my soul began to cry out in tears as my eyes bled for myself. crys could be heard but no one reached out to grab hold of me. the silences around me made my body chill, the emptiness i feel makes me weak. my strenght that i once have is merely a fading memory.

remember this day as the day i had lost what was given to me as a precious gift. remember this day as it is the day i given back that gift to the One who gave it to me. forever lost from this world. why have death forsaken me when i needed it most? why have i forsaken myself?

pain of life

2005-06-10T15:38:00.000+08:00

my life is a nightmare i feared most. the wonders that life could bring will never be able to reach my thoughts. my eyes see nothing but sadness, which was killing the soul of humankind. the taste of it make me feel uneased. all i see is the bitterness of men. wondering souls searching for a purpose that holds nothing.

the tears they weep shall be seen through my eyes. the anger that boils in them shall burn through my skin. the pain they felt shall tear my sanity apart. the suffering of the people will be the death of me

everyone i see holds a devil inside of them, begging me to bring them freedom. my mind being tormented by the feelings we shared. my body weaken as hands of nothingness dare not to let me go. i could feel dusts in my lungs making breath a dream. the end of me is the end of my sufferings. death smiled as hope began to cry. fear held tightly on me, comforting my sufferings. laughs of insanity shall be my voice to the world. saddened by the life i took.

Mistaken immortality

2005-05-25T13:02:00.000+08:00

all is lost to me. everything is fading away. days of joy emptied by the ways of sufferings. dying by the hands of my own greed. ending the time i wasted on feeding my own life. tearing my eyes, preventing them from crying. killed my emotions to escape from the endless suffering i am to feel.

parting from my body, leaving it to become an empty shell. laid dead without a soul, slowly perish to the ground, becoming the dirt man walks one. the thought of endless time firghtens me, wanting nothing more but to be freed from it. a prison i am bound to be in, forever blinded by the darkness that takes the lights that shines on humans away. suffocate for eternity.

immortality, i had asked for and given to me is forever suffering. what had been done to me is what i asked. forever shall i dwell in this worthless world to endure all that the other side of life has to offer. i have asked to be life and yet i became death. what have i done to deserve this? it is because i am a human who is made to sin?

My Chemical Romance - Helena

2005-05-25T06:41:00.000+08:00

long ago
just like the hearse you die to get in again
we are so far from you
burning on just like the match you strike to incinerate
the lives of everyone you know
and what's the worst you take
from every heart you break
and like the blade you stain
well i've been holding on tonight

what's the worst that i can say?
things are better if i stay
so long and goodnight
so long and goodnight

came a time when every star falls
brought you to tears again
we are the very hurt you sold
and what's the worst you take
from every heart you break
and like the blade you stain
well i've been holding on tonight

whats the worst that i can say
things are better if i stay
so long and goodnight
so long and goodnight
and if you carry on this way
things are better if i stay
so long and goodnight
so long and goodnight

can you hear me?
are you near me?
can we pretend to leave and then
we'll meet again when both our cars collide

what's the worst that i can
things are better if i stay
so long and goodnight
so long and goodnight
and if you carry on this way
things are better if i stay
so long and goodnight
so long and goodnight

2005-05-22T23:04:00.000+08:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Prisoner to myself

2005-05-16T13:18:00.000+08:00

i am my own servant and yet the master to myself. a prisoner holding the keys to locked doors. in a prison i had built for myself as my mind chained onto a wall. every choice i make is against my will, like something else has total control over my entire body, total control over my existance.

my beloved soul taken from me, leaving an empty shell behind dwelled by an unknown being. tiredness is all i've got, forcing myself to live every single day. every breath of air i inhale doesn't seems to be enough. no water could quench my thirst. no food able to satify my hunger. i am like the dead walking among the living, unable to find my resting place, an exiled. i am to be banished from this world and be consigned to the flames.

let my body be burn, my soul condemned and my presence die slowly along with the passing time. let them all walk side by side to a place where nothingness was born. let me be lost and forgotten like a passing memory where the thought of it will only last a day or like a wind that happens to pass by.

whenever someone speaks of my name, let it be in past tense. the sound of it be out of anger or fear. my time be a curse to my neighbour.

emptied my mind

2005-05-13T04:00:00.000+08:00

For this moment, there'll be nothing on this blog site. Mmy brain is currently empty, no thoughts are running around in it. so for the time being, just relax and wait. more will be coming this way soon......

ended my dying day

2005-05-04T13:10:00.000+08:00

every breath i take is like drinking a glass of poison by my own will. every second that passes by, reminds me of the coming day. my future had been fixed since the day i wa born. every day that passes by are reminders to me. every hour that passes by are signs to me. every minute, every second that passes by are voices to me telling me i am one step closer to death.

it doesn't matter what i do, the thought of dissapearing from life is worse than death itself. what i had done will me nothing to this world. every moment i had cherish will die with me, along with the joy i had felt. nothingness is where i am heading. a dark abyss of emptiness awaits my soul.

what will become of this world when i am gone? will the memories of me be celebrated by people who was known to me? will i be forgotten, or lost within a year of grieving? who am i to care? i'll be nothing more but a rotting corpes confined in a worthless box, buried deep within the ground

i felt myself fading from tearing eyes, away to an endless time. death stood before me, staring straight into my eyes. in blood i cried wanting to let go of my dying pain instead of loosing my beloved soul as it fled from my body and my thoughts died painlessly, disappearing before me.

Self imprisonment

2005-04-16T14:28:00.000+08:00

Every moment that had passed by, I never manage to get hold of them just for a second and admire the feelings attached to them. When the chance had drift away, I could only regret and let sadness comfort me.

No symphaty will ever make me feel better again. No comfort is enough to heal my wounds, like a disease without a cure. Saddened by the faded memories, angered by sanity. There comes times where I would wonder if life could ever say with me any longer?

I wasnt even able to shed a single drop of tears to release all pains that are boiling inside of me. All kept inside unable to let them go. How can I ever get pass life with all these feelings inside of me. Tearing my thoughts as I tried and tried to forget them. Nothing seems to be able to get pass them. My sanity has reached its limits.

During the nights, I'll be silence by the darkness, pulled into the abyss, trying to break me down. All of these were done by myself. I had became my own enemy, an enemy that couldn't be evaded. I am lost in my own maze. How am I to go on? An answer is all I desire. What help could I get to free myself from being tormented by my own thoughts?

Silenced in the dark

2005-04-10T09:52:00.000+08:00

Tears of blood fell from my eyes,
Gently burning through the dept of my skin.
Indulged in dignity,
Exalted the fear of sanity,
Forgotten the sense of humanity.
Inhabited in the abyss;
Gazed back at whom that sees.
Petrified by the thoughts of benevolence,
Possesses all that belonged.
Merciless smiles,
Shown through ages,
For the pleasure of tormented souls.
Faithless in all,
Nothing be with itself.
Death be awaken by the looks of it

Speechless

2005-02-10T01:00:00.000+08:00

Unable to speak. a moment where words are missing.

A moment of thoughts

2005-02-05T07:49:00.000+08:00

I'll pray at night to comsume my hate.
With my will, I tried not to be astray.
Memories be left alone in the dark.
Untouched by anyone.
Dreams I have at night will be carried through my day by my side.
Lingering around in my mind, liberating what I feared most.
Every night I'll pray for forgiveness, which I doubt it will be given and yet I still believed. Silence is my friend, death is my parent.
How am I to live like this?
Time turned on me, became an enemy I dare not to fight as men lived on me, giving nothing but pain to my life.
Nothing to fear as fear itself was invited into my life.
May Death be my help as it has always been my parent.
Gently it will take them all away.
Leaving me alone to bury the past.
What is known to me will forever be lost.
The future will be nothing more but a hisory.
What have I become?
Is this what God wants?
My sins shall be atoned.
With blood i shed, as a pass to leave hell.
Alone to walk the path as blood becomes my shoe.
How I longed to be free..

Lies' lie

2004-11-25T12:56:00.000+08:00

Every lies hides a truth which hurts more than anything. when a person lie, they are actually trying to keep someone from feeling either sad, angry or just dissapointed. People will do anything to know the truth and when they do, somehow they will wish they never did. Odd isn't it?

Stressless test

2004-11-07T21:50:00.000+08:00

SPM is going on now and this will be the last blog for the whole month until SPM is over. Hope I will see everyone in collages next year with a smily face. Goodness, even know I still feel SPM as a normal test and I still can't feel the stress people are feeling. What the hell is wrong with me???? Addmath is hopeless to me so what the heck. Dammit! BM is tomorrow along with History. Passed history three times in 5 eyars and still I am not afraid of it. What the hell!
Two weeks of holidays after this week so I feel kinda relieve. Gots more time to study, if I don't get distracted. Well, hari raya is near so hope the weather then will be nice. Godd weather brings good mood to study. Hehehe....
All I need is to pass this damn test, get the marks that is ebough for me to go collage. Don't need to be like "those people" who aim for straight A's. To hell with it.
That's all then. May God be with all SPMers. haha.. Se everyone in collage next year.
DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self awakening

2004-10-25T07:21:00.000+08:00

one week left and i am still here doing nothing, how nice. i should smile at my own failure when it comes. don't u agree? tearing is not one of my ways of showing what i see. what am i to do? life is a mystery to me which i don't bother to figure out! jsut want to live it the way it is. why should i find out everything when soon all the ideas and answers will be buried deep underneath with me?
well, this is sick and horrifying! DAMMIT!

Uncertain of Myself!

2004-10-20T13:26:00.000+08:00

Why am I still updating this blog??!?!?!?!? Can anyone tell me why! Nobody ever visits this site anyways. Well, I guess is for fun then. Writng stuffs even I myself don't read. ( My english sux so forgive me for any mistakes. ) SPM is 2 weeks away and I am still here. Why can't I feel the pressure? I know i sux and still I feel no stress. I guess it will kick in on the first day of the test then uh? Do you readers agree....? I can only hear crickets singing, no voice at all! That's that then.

(UNTITLED)

2004-10-10T16:10:00.000+08:00

We sometimes seems to forget ourselves. Who we are or what we are capable of doing? These are the questions which not much people hate. The things that happened to me made me think of what I am capable of doing and what is exactly right? It's very vexing to think of it but what the hell am I going to do? I'll have to find out sooner or later. There's no way that I can hide from these thoughts.
All that I hope is I could find what I am to find and just live my life with questions answered and know my true self(THIS SENTENCE SUX BAD. UNCOPYRIGHTED) There's not much for me to say except for this sux. Dammit!

Moment of Explosion

2004-10-09T12:27:00.000+08:00

Hell today. Damn SESCO, there I say it. The decoder went KABOOM!!!! Hell now it is useless. They better pay up. Everyone in my ares is complaining. Yeah. I have to stop with this. That's all. Can't think of anything more. Dammit

Expression of Creativity(Uncopyrighted)

2004-10-07T07:09:00.000+08:00

Bones in the water and dust in my lungs

Absorbing archaic like a sponge

The ultimate way is the way you control

But you can stay if you detach your soul

Bury the present and squeeze out the past

The ones you endear to never last

Chemical burns and the animalistic

I'm just anohter harline psuedo-statistic

Can you feel this?

I'm dying to feel this

Can you feel this?

Blood on the paperand skin on my teeth

Trying to commit to whats beneath

To find the time is to lose the momentum

You learn the lessons and immediately forget them

Automatic and out of my reach

Consult all the waste to find the key

Minimal life and the polysyllabic

I'm just another blank page - push the button, pull the rage

Can you feel this?

I'm dying to feel this

Can you feel this?

I am all, but what am I?

Another number that isn't equal to any of you

I control, but I comply

Pick me apart, then pick up the pieces

I'm uneven

I am the damaged one

All my life and the damage done

Can you feel this?

I'm dying to feel this

Can you feel this?

I'm dying to feel this

I am all, but what am I?

Another number that isn't equal to any of you

I control, but I comply

Pick me apart, then pick up the pieces

I'm uneven

Birthday of the Year

2004-10-03T14:16:00.000+08:00

Well, everything is over. Another day has passed as a usual boring day. Often to get over the fact that I have wasted another day of my living days. Wondered if I could have done something more. Dammit.
At least today I enjoyed myself, only during night. Had a suprise which shocked me for a while. I sux at expressing myself being shocked or amazed. Mostly, I will keep quiet and leave me head thinking of things which is meaningless. Not shure why but hey, different people, different way of style.
Guess that's it. Have to wake up at 7 tomorrow for law listening, dammit. Can't think of the purpose for it. Only good for girls though but men don't need it.

Law

2004-10-01T16:14:00.000+08:00

Law sux!!! Everyone will agree with me when they hear this sentence. Waste of time. Thank God I passed it. Ha!

Feel myself

2004-09-09T10:44:00.000+08:00

Hate it! Damn this feelings, stupid. Well, this is what the blog is for. Spread what i want to say. Wonderful isn't it? God be with me. May everyday is safe for I believe it will be as long as you are holding my hand walking side by side with me through my life. Thsi is nice and wonderful. The feeling of being safe and knowing God is with you. I will give up anything just to know that and I did. The bible had wrote everything about t. Now, all I need to do is use my own feet and walk the long miles.
God is there to guide me and I am here to move. God is here to help us not to be depended on for the whole walk. Use my own feet to move as God tells me where to go.
Wonderful....I sux at this thing. Dammit! This is the webmaster-Signing off

Titleless

2004-09-08T18:33:00.000+08:00

I sometimes hate everything that's made. This post may be meaningless. Just to speak out what I have to say. Feelings are something which keeps us from doing anything. Mostly feelings, bad feelings, makes us have a hard time to keep on living. This is what I hate the most. Everytime when something goes wrong or going to happen, I wil just stop and reflect on everything. This is very very uncomfortable. Hate it alot! Well, I guess this is just for us to feel what we are about to face but it's great when you misinterpreted what you thought might happen. Chances of that happenening is very very low. God I wish it's higher. Everything is fixed. Might not be but somehow I wish. HAI................... What horror can I face in the near future? What death awaits me the day after? All these as mysteries unrevealed before me. May God help me to overcome what I will face tomorrow and so on.....

Good Weekdays

2004-09-07T20:56:00.000+08:00

Tommorow at scholl might be fun. My class teacher. Cikgu Deris who is also my Bm teacher shall be away for a course far far away for two freakin' days. yeah....This is great. Now I can just sit and relax myself while killing the precious time which I can use to study. somehow I seemed to care less. Damn this thoughts. Wonders of my brain comes hell to my future. Okay, not to be long. Hope everyone read this and have a great life. 5 weeks left to SPM man.!!!! Dammit!!

Wonders of Life

2004-08-29T18:45:00.000+08:00

Today is one of the happiest day of my life. Actually not that happy. I finally got my own streamyx. HAHAHA. It's wonderful. takes less than a second (sometimes) to load up a webpage. less than 5 minutes(sometmes) to download a song. my goodness. it's really a funny story actually of how I got my streamyx. Well, at first , my sis and mom went to telekom to apply and the lady at the counter who was serving them said we had to wait for a few years for a development program. Meaning, they need to change my line to fiber so can be used for streamyx. This kinda pull me down. After a few days, Two days ago which was friday, telekom called and told my sis to go get the confirmation slip for streamyx. Odd, I thought we couldn't get one for the next 2 or 3 years? When we went there, a guy gave us the slip and said that someone will be sent to our place to fix the streamyx within 7 days or we can complain or something. For that moment, I thought they had made a mistake but I didn't care much. That time I was forced to wake up and I was actually half asleep there.
The next day which was yesterday, someone came and fixed the streamyx line for us. UNBELIEVABLE. I saw him connected to the internet by testing on his labtop and it worked. OH MY GOSH, I was actually kidna shocked to see that but I couldn't express myself because I was again forced to be awake so I could guide the man to the computer. It was wonderful. I watied for one day and my friends had to wait for 3 months or more. Wow, and streamyx was on promotion again. Too great. So now I will be using streamyx.
One last thing for me, my school holiday end tomorrow so this is the last day. dammit. well, that's all. HAPPY INDEPENDANCE DAY TO ALL.

Return of blogs

2004-08-21T17:38:00.000+08:00

WOW! It's been a couple of weeks cince i blogged. okay, all reports i finished and handed in. now having my holidays, yeah. one whole week of rest but still have to go to tuition. dammit! my life somehow seems to get more boring everyday. sooner or later i'll be bored of myself and will begin to wish myself to death. not sure when is that though, hope it will not be as soon as possible. got myself a my-own-use handphone. yeah! sicne the people who visits my site knows my number already, i'll just put it there for fun (016-8691681) call me for fun also can, just make sure is on morning or afternoon. night time is when i get very very very very lazy. well, my holiday is going to be the same. wake up late, eat then play and finally eat again then sleep. if not tired play again then sleep. my life is really boring if you live it. you can only feel what i feel everyday if you are me. just by reading this you can picture a bit of what i am. haha. well, that's it for now. oh, one more thing, this blog had been typed out from a labtop, damn it rocks somehow i can type faster with this thing. the keys are soft and nice to press. easy too. very compact so i guess that's way i can type faster. okay, i will really stop here now. happy reading my blog and thatnk everyone for visiting it. dammit!

Ending reports..some of it!

2004-07-27T21:30:00.000+08:00

Well, thsi will be the last day I'll ever do any physics report. Hell yeah. After this week, no more reports to do or pass up. Damn it feels good. Today I went to tuition and it was okay. Felt great, not that great thou. Still puzzled by something. Dammit, I really hate it when there's feelings I feel that I do't get?!!! ..............
Okay, this is it for the day. Hopes everything goes well tomorrow. Signing out.

Home to school

2004-07-26T12:20:00.000+08:00

Well, this is the life. Big brother shall be going back t Australia tomorrow at 5 something. Not going to miss him though, why should I? Is not like I am not going to see him again or anything. Okay, weekends are here again and as usual, its the end. Dammit! Reports and reports to pass up, the life of Malaysian students. Screw everything.

Basketshit!

2004-07-23T13:38:00.000+08:00

Dammit! I am hating the basketball competition man. Prospone, prospone and prospone. Shit...! Well, I just want it to end as soon as possible, win or lose(prefered win). Dammit. Well, I hope that this will come out right and nothing will go worst, bad to badder. Hahahaha. Screw route 202, don't know who the hell would want to take that route? Sic....................................

Thoughtful

2004-07-21T21:24:00.000+08:00

There's a lot of thoughts going round and roung in my head today. Some makes me sick and angry while others make me feel at ease. I guess I think too much. Dammit! What the heck man, just hope it all goes away after I have a good night sleep tonight. Well, sad to say I have no idea how to place pictures in this blog, dammit.
Is funny you know, how a person's thinking could change his entire day. Once your mood is not good, the day suck. If it's good, you would thank God for giving life to you. I would give anything to feel that way. Pain, anger and fear taken away from me leaving only what I would call hapiness is what I desire. Sadly, it's just a thought wanting it to be true. Wouldn't it be wonderful if wishes are true, that there's really someone who will grant oyur wishes without questions like a genie. God will grant our wish but we have to earn it. That's good of course. Well, what I am feeling now is worst than anything I felt before. Anger, discomfort and hopelessness all in one. To anyone who ever felt what I am feeling right now, you aren't the only one. To me, it seems like we are the same as a balloon. A tiny hole on the balloon is able to make it flat. A thought can make a person break down.

Son of a bitch!

Week Ends

2004-07-18T21:07:00.000+08:00

The days had passed me by as I killed time slowly. Now the a new week will begin and dammit! English oral is on wednesday. Hope to do good. Damn this rats for making such hard stuffs for us. Hell yeah! This will be it people. May monday bring good news to everyone. But then, it just sux. Dammit......

Busy Time

2004-07-15T21:25:00.000+08:00

Dammit! 5 reports to be handed in by tomorrow. OH MY GOSH.........!!!!!!!!! Only one night to finish them all. Some may think I won't be able to pull it off while others may think I'm crazy. Well, by tomorrow, I'll show them the reports. To prove to them that I can do it. Thanks to computer and internet!! Well, today is a great day, half day of school so no afternoon class until 3:30. The teachers had a meeting this afternoon so I went out with my two brothers to buy a new basketball for my younger brother as a present for his birthday and a net for the rim in my house. Can play basketball everyday liau....HAHAHAHHAHA. Well, gotta get back to my work. Hate this..!

On the line

2004-07-13T21:34:00.000+08:00

Well people, things just got worst. It worsen. A fight may start or not, pray to God it won't. It seemed that people are not happy with 5A's team and wants to challenge us in a real "fight". The person who called for this is unknown for now. We have only one suspect for now too and I'm not going to say it.....just incase we are wrong but we know which group they are from!!! Now we can only pray that nothing will happen because I stll want to take SPM!!! Now enough stress for me, please don't add more lah. dammit!!!

Basketball

2004-07-12T21:42:00.000+08:00

Can't believe it myself. Today my team, IBMS, just won LMF this afternoon. Now we hold the record of three wins in a row, a winning streak. Hope we can beat Speed on thursday. we just got out of the semi-finals and now we are in the finals ready to take on the defending champion of last year. High hopes people. The captian of the team Nicholas Jee, A.K.A. 797, scored the winning basket under one minute to go. We never lead during the game and trailed as much as 5 points! 2 minutes left in the 4th quater, Ting Jie, A.K.A. Juice, threw two basket in a row to cut the lead to 1 and finished off the LMF with a clean win 28-29. Hell Yeah!!!